Yesterday, I felt like I wanted to quit.
I had a meeting with my manager after a long shift, where we reviewed the feedback she’d received about my progress at work. While there were some good things, the negative comments shocked me. People mentioned things that I never imagined would end up in a review of my competency as a nurse of this unit. Taken aback, I accepted what I read, and now I have 3 weeks to prove to the managers that I know how to do my job, and I can do it safely.
Last week, I received an official notice in the mail about the fact that I failed a class last semester and am now on probation. I, of course, don’t even really know what that means, because this kind of thing does not happen to me (which I have discussed with my therapist many times). Apparently I must meet with an advisor twice per semester and keep my grades up in order to remain in the program and get financial aid.
So when I finally left work at 1am this morning, I wanted to quit. I got home, lay on my couch, and looked up other, better, schools in other, less miserable (weather-wise) places, and started planning for the possibility of transferring elsewhere. I’ve made friends here, I live in a great area and my apartment is a dream, but I don’t feel welcome at work or at school. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t feel like I fit in, like I’m not cut out for this northern culture and six months of winter. Maybe this hospital is too big, maybe this university is not the school that will give me the doctoral degree I so desire. Maybe, like in undergrad, I’ve got to move around, go to multiple schools in multiple places.
I knew things would not go as I planned them, I’ve learned that they never do, but I did not think that after 5 months, I would be on both academic and work-related probation. I feel like a criminal, like I’ve let myself down, like I’m not good enough for any of this, like I should be somewhere else. But why would God have me go through all the trouble of moving here just to have me move again after only a year? (I would have to stay until my lease is up, I think. I have to at least attempt to do well this semester.)
I have a lot of questions and concerns that no one can answer for me. I don’t even feel comfortable divulging this to my friends here or my best friends back home, although I know they will support and encourage me. They will tell me not to give up, and tell me that I am not alone, and remind me why I should not quit. They will tell me I am capable and that I have struggled before, and that I always come out on top. My therapist would tell me to do my best and not worry about problems that I can do nothing about and that are not affecting my life today, right at this moment.
I’m not a quitter, but I don’t know what to do. I should probably pray about it.
– E ❤