Fingers Crossed

The Interview

Today, I have a phone interview with the graduate school I want to attend in the fall.

I think I’m ready. I’ve read up on graduate school questions, I’ve practiced my answers, I’m at the library where it’s quiet and I can focus, and I’ll take the call in a private study room so I’m not interrupted. It’s an absolutely gorgeous day out, I got a descent amount of sleep, I’m in a good mood – it’s literally the perfect day to take on an interview. I’ve planned, I’ve prepared, and I keep trying to remind myself, it’s just a phone interview. All I have to do is be myself, just more professional. I’m trying not to think about it too much so I don’t get nervous. I’m the type to ramble on about things when I’m asked a question, so the challenge will be to keep things concise while still making myself sound good.

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Thoughts On...

On Confidence

10:40

I woke up this morning feeling something I haven’t in a while: confidence.

I don’t know if it’s because I managed to get five whole hours of sleep before sunrise, but I woke with the feeling like today was going to be a productive day, and that put me in a great mood, despite the lack of sunshine. I got up after 7am, took the time to chop up some strawberries for my cereal, watched an episode of one of my favorite shows in the Ikea chair in my room that I never have time to sit in, finished putting my laundry away, and decided I would get dressed up today. I remembered that it’s Sunday, which is my favorite excuse to wear heels. I thought, I’ll go out in my church clothes and look fancy all day long.

I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays because, while it can be a day or rest and reflection, it is also my catch-up day, and when everything closes early, it can be an inconvenience for me, a chronically late riser. But today, I was up early, so I can take advantage of all the Sunday goodness. I’m very happy about that. Now, back to the whole confidence thing.

It’s cloudy today. Usually, this would make me want to stay in bed watching youtube videos and catching up on my television shows all morning, but I made a conscious decision to get up and get sh*t done. This is usually not very easy for me, but it was easy today. I put together an outfit which included a new dress shirt I’ve been dying to wear, red pumps, and my favorite pair of skinny jeans. Classy, sassy, and church-appropriate. I took time doing my makeup, used colors instead of neutrals on my eyes, threw on a bold red lip (my usual), and parted my hair to the right (the opposite of my usual). I looked in the mirror and exuded #girlboss vibes, which is always a good thing. I love how I look, and I feel great.

It’s crazy how an outfit can change how I feel about myself. This isn’t a new concept by any means, and I try to take advantage of it often, but it’s been super effective today. I took myself on another Solo Date to the coffee shop, and as I sit here writing this post, I’m reminded that I can do this. I can get myself together, I can beat my forever-lingering depression, I don’t have to let the weather dictate my mood forever, I am in control. I can do this. I can face everything that life will soon throw at me. I can handle the struggle. I can handle the hustle. I can do the work, and I can get what I want.

I can do this.

– E ❤

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On Gratitude

Last night was bad.

The hospital was almost at capacity, and my unit was the only one with available beds outside of the ICU. We were swamped, admitted five new patients back to back, we had post-operative patients, our lone CNA was running ragged trying to get all the vital signs and blood sugars, call bells going off every ten minutes, phones ringing off the hook, etc. Any nurse who’s ever worked in a hospital setting knows exactly what I mean.

On top of that, I had a headache, allergies, a sinus infection, and period cramps. The situation was all but ideal. I could not wait to just give report, and go home to my bed.

When I finally got to my car, I decided to check my notifications before driving off; I remembered my boyfriend had asked me to watch a snapchat video he sent, and I didn’t want to forget about it when I got home. I opened the app, tapped the little purple square, and there appeared my favorite boy in the world, sitting on his porch the night before, listening to one of my favorite songs. I had shared the song with him months before, and was excited to hear that he enjoyed it. In the video he is lip syncing, the way one might sing their favorite song in the shower — eyes closed, full facial expressions — and he knows every word.

I’m not sure why, but watching him sing to me from 400 miles away on my iPhone screen brought me so much joy, all at once. My entire crapshoot of a night suddenly became completely irrelevant, and for about 120 seconds I was overcome with pure happiness. I fell in love all over again.

I drove home in a much better mood, and I remembered that my best friend had left me something at my door. It was a late birthday present – my favorite candy, a mug, a makeup bag, and a tear-inducing card. She and I always fill our cards to the brim with words upon words of poetic and sentimental nonsense, a love language just for us. It’s a romantic friendship. Reading her card, I remembered just how much she thinks of me, how special I am to her, and how much I mean to her. She and I have known each other since 4th grade, and pride ourselves on how opposite our personalities are. “Like magnets,” she would say. And, once again, I was overwhelmed with joy.

This morning, I experienced unexpected acts of love from two people I love very much, and I realized something: There is so much love in my life. No number of bad nights at work or unfortunate life situations can ever take that love away from me. There are people in this world who truly care about my wellbeing, want nothing but the best for me, and will be there for me, no matter what.

I am surrounded by love, and for that, I am grateful. At the end of the day, isn’t that what life is all about?

– E ❤

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The Problem with Nightshift

I am a day sleeper.

I’ve worked night shift for the past two years, 13 hours a night, three nights a week. For most people, this sounds strange. But I’m a nurse, and for those of us who work in hospitals, this schedule is the norm. So, because I spend most of my nights working, I sleep during the day, and I mean all day long. More often than not, I’m up all night, because that’s when my body has grown accustomed to functioning. It’s extremely annoying, because I want to be productive, but it’s dark, and everyone is sleeping, and nothing is open, and my circadian rhythm is upset with me. I watch DVR until 6am, and then drag myself to bed, finally tired enough to fall asleep as soon as the sun rises.  Continue reading

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Becoming a “Real” Adult

Do you ever forget that you’re… an adult?

Often times when I’m faced with new responsibilities, decisions, or challenges, I wonder why someone is trusting me, a child, with something like that. Okay, so I’m 25 and definitely not a child, but I still feel like one. By societies standards, I may as well be one. I still live at home, I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I can’t cook, I didn’t get my first job till I was 23 (which is when I started paying any bills), my car is in my father’s name, and my parents provide me with everything I need. When I tell adults (actual adults, ya know, in their 40s, well established, been around the block adults) this, they usually respond with something like, “Oh, you’re still a baby!” And then there’s the whole policy about not renting a vehicle until you’re 25, which is absolutely ludicrous, since I could join the military and take lives overseas with an automatic weapon by age 18. I’m also a nurse, and in the hospital I’m expected to handle and administer dangerous medicines (including schedule II narcotics), tell grown patients how to take care of themselves, and save lives on a regular basis. There is a massive double-standard for young adults; it’s no wonder we all feel so lost and unaccomplished, regardless of our successes.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

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Worst Case Scenario

The other night, my boyfriend was in a bad place. His mood was sour, he was feeling insecure about his future, and doubting the success of our relationship. Not because he doesn’t love me, but because he does, very much, and he’s afraid that I will grow tired of the distance one day. We are 400 miles apart, and while there’s a good chance we will be closer soon, there’s no guarantee.

He felt better in the morning and apologized for being “stupid”, but I still find myself dwelling on his doubt, his concerns — he was in a negative state of mind, focused on the worst case scenario.

That got me thinking: What is the worst case scenario? What is my realistic catastrophic situation?

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On Bookstores

20:26

Currently, I sit between the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble. I am most comfortable around books, their smell, their texture, their crispness – I’m obsessed. It is where I most enjoy my alone time. I wish bookstores and libraries were open 24/7. I love college bookstores because there are so many comfy places to SIT, and campus libraries are so massive it’s amazing. I hope with all hope that wherever I end up, I can find somewhere to spend time alone, outside of my home, around books. It’s a great place to read, study, or just spend time. There’s always a coffee shop, or stationary to buy, and places to sit, and snacks, and a bathroom, they’ve got it all! It’s never too crowded unless there’s an event, and they’re safe. What kind of “bad guy” attacks a bookstore? I feel like that would give him a bad rap with the other criminals.

I just love it here. I could sit here for hours. Unfortunately, the store closes in 30 minutes. Time to go!

– E ❤

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